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Murders And Weird Punishments

I wanted to write something different from what I usually write so I have been leafing through the Old Testament looking for some truly bizarre stuff to write about. I was not disappointed and I quickly found two topics to write about. Well not really write about them but make a list with some commentary. The lists are the top ten murders of the Old Testament and five weird punishments of the Old Testament.

Top Ten Murders Of The Old Testament

1. Jael drives a tent post through Sisera’s head while he was asleep in Judges 4. The bible sure has some gruesome imagery doesn’t it?

2. Shechem and all his town are slaughtered when they are recovering from circumcision. The circumcision was the condition set so he may marry Dinah who’s brothers killed them in Genesis 6. Her brothers said they killed them because they were “treating their sister like a whore”. Firstly, that was Shechem and not the townspeople but it is nice to have biblical proof that honor killing is prescribed by the bible.

3. Shagmar kills 600 Philistines by poking them to death with a pointy stick [cattle prod] in Judges 3:31.

4. Samson was jealous of #3 so he killed 1000 Philistines with a donkey’s jaw-bone in Judges 15:15.

5. King Ahasuerus impales Haman on a 75 foot tall stake so Queen Esther not to be less spectacular does it to Haman’s ten sons in Esther 7-9. Not exactly like #1 but #1 seems eerily similar. Maybe god was running out of spectacular ways to murder people?

6. After Daniel escapes the lion’s den without a scratch, his accusers along with their wives and children get thrown to the lions in Daniel 6. And they say Christians get thrown to the lions?

7. David’s son Absalom gets caught by his hair in a tree then his fathers soldiers stab him to death as he is hanging in the tree by his hair in 2 Samuel 18. Even David’s soldiers have no morals and they brutally kill his unarmed son? Guess the bible is chock full of great moral stories to teach our children.

8. Jezebel is thrown from a window by three eunuchs then trampled by horses then her corpse is eaten by dogs in 2 Kings 9. This is just bizarre but if you read the whole story that starts with her and Ahab in 1 Kings 21, you will see this is a murder from god for them falsely accusing someone of blasphemy.

9.  Shades of Lot, a gang of men surround a house and demand that the owner send out his Levite guest come out to be raped. Instead he sends out his concubine. They rape her all night long [so this is where Lionel Ritchie got the idea for his song] and she dies. Then the man who sent her out chops her into a dozen pieces and mails them throughout Israel in Judges 19. Wonder if that’s how they disposed of Jimmy Hoffa’s body?

10. Not spectacular but just plain weird. A woman in a town that was being besieged by King Abimelech dropped a millstone on his head. And as another proof the entire Old Testament was misogynistic, as he lie there dying, he begged his servants to stab him so nobody could say a woman killed him. in Judges 9. Need I say anything about this one?

Top Five Weird Punishments Of The Old Testament

1. This is just bizarre. in 1 Samuel 5-6 the Philistines capture the ark of the covenant so god gives them hemorrhoids.

2. The cruelty in 2 Kings 2 where Elisha is made fun of for being bald. He curses the 42 kids so god sends two she bears [apparently cause females are more vicious then males] to kill them.

3. The ultimate saltine in Genesis 19. Lot’s wife is turned into a pillar of salt because she disobeyed an order not to look back.

4. The Israelites wandering in the desert got two mentions in this list. the first one is when they complained about not having meat instead of manna. God acting like an enraged Alfred Hitchcock sent The Birds. Which was just a bunch of quail for them to eat but as they were eating, he struck them down with a plague as the meat was “still between their teeth” as we read in Numbers 11.

5. Not done with his movie writing career, 10 chapters later [Numbers 21] he performs the Samuel L Jackson punishment know as snakes on a plain. Again the Israelites complain about the manna so god sends a plague of poisonous vipers among them.

Ok, who is going to tell me the good morals we learn from these 15 items?

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10 Responses

  1. The atheism is a denial of the truth …

  2. Good damn review of all that sh*t that’s so nasty, it not uncommonly boggles the mind just trying to read through oneself, in the Holy Dribble. I always keep thinking “WTF – I must be reading this totally wrong.” : )

  3. Good lists!

    I have to think that if the Bible was made into a movie it would definitely have to be rated R.

    I am sympathetic towards Elisha because I know how it feels to be mocked on account of my baldness.


  4. I am a Christian and I was just looking for some interesting bible stories to read when I found your blog. It is encouraging for me to see that you are looking at the bible. If you have any questions about God then let me know. You seem to have an interesting approach with some humor regarding the Bible.

    • No questions about your myth man. That should have been obvious.

      • Why are you so rude to people who share a different belief then you?

      • I’m rude to dumbasses. Does this have to do with the article or are you being a dumbass?

      • I wouldn’t say rude. If that, I wouldn’t post any opposing opinions. I am however sick of hearing the same idiocy a million times from the religious side. If an opposing view isn’t old rehashed Bullshit I do allow it. It’s stupidity I’m intolerant to. Apparently you think intolerance is rude. I think stupidity is rude and since this is my blog, my opinion wins 😃

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